That phone call... this call was my third "getting to know you" phone call. I had one couple that I liked but didn't agree with on a couple of big issues... selective reduction and termination, to be precise. My second couple was M & A, the couple that resulted in a transfer and a miscarriage. Honestly, my heart went out to them, but as I look back, I have a feeling that had that pregnancy actually gone through, it would have been a very trying pregnancy for me due to their emotional baggage (don't ask. I'm not spilling their secrets. Just know they had a doozy of a story going on.) And finally is the call with B & R the afternoon of April 9th.
The call was facilitated by one of the staff members of the Agency. It included all of the usual stuff... Shawnee, tell about past pregnancies, lifestyle, health history, why you want to be a surrogate, etc. B & R, what are some hobbies, lifestyles/interests, etc. All of the touchy questions were included, such as when, where, and why I would reduce or terminate a pregnancy, B & R's thoughts on that as well, how many embryos I would be willing to transfer, changes I make during pregnancy, etc.
I remember getting off the phone and being so excited about my conversation. I called my husband and gave him a quick recap of the phone call. He agreed with me that they sounded like people we would enjoy working with, and I quickly shot off an email to the Agency.
Wow, was that an understatement on his part! Not only have we enjoyed working with B & R, but I feel like we have added four new family members to our family tree in this short year. I was able to tell them about Brady and Cohen for the past couple of months, now it is their turn to tell me all about Brady and Cohen as they grow and develop.
Along with the anniversary of our first phone call, today was a great day for their family. Court day!
Let me first just say how happy I am to see that their family is legally recognized and official. Today really was the last piece of the puzzle that we started oh so many months ago with the 47 page contract. Cohen and Brady are officially, legally, and lawfully B & R's children!
Now that I have that said, this was one of the craziest things I have been a part of, surrogacy-wise! Holy cow, I was so not prepared for today! Honestly, with all of the paperwork that I have been signing and getting notarized for the past 10ish months I had no idea today was going to go as it did!
We met B & R and the Agency's director (who happens to be the attorney for B & R) at the court house. I know the Director, as he has been at several functions I have attended, and he was at the state capitol just a couple of weeks ago when we all went before the Senate Judiciary Committee to get the bill passed (more about that later). He's a nice guy, definitely knows his stuff.
Anyway, he led us to a conference room to let us know about the court proceedings and how things were going to work. Let's just say that he kind of led us all to believe that this was going to be a nice, easy little hearing with all of us saying "Yes" to a bunch of questions. What he neglected to say was that he was going to ask a TON of questions of each of us (mostly me), go over a huge chunk of the paperwork we signed, and then phrase questions in such a way that it took everything in my power not to start crying in the middle of this court room! Seriously!
Okay, so I am just a tad overly dramatic about the questioning, but not by much! You can ask R, B, or Shawn about it if you think I'm exaggerating.
He started by questioning me, which took me by surprise, as the first order of business was to terminate Shawn's parental rights. Remember, in Minnesota, if you birth it, its yours. Along side that, if you are married to the birth mother at the time of the birth, it is also yours.
That being said, the Attorney jumps in and starts questioning me about the parentage and who the sperm belonged to in the making of the children (not even kidding.) Yes, basically I had to say (under oath) that Shawn's sperm could have but did not come into play for the creating of these children. Yup, here are the details of my sex life for a couple of months of last fall now as a matter of public record. Good times all around for all involved.
After the fun questions directed at me, the Attorney then jumps in and briefly questions Shawn. A couple of "Yes, I read the contract" kind of questions later and BAM! Shawn is off the birth record.
Part one of this whole ordeal done. Part two: I'm still on the birth certificate. Darn it. Time to get me off of it.
This is where the nice Attorney gets bumped from "nice man" to "mean guy trying to make me cry". As he is trying to establish that it has been my intent all along to help a couple have a family and not create another child of my own, he whips out the tear-jerker line of questioning along the lines of "Shawnee, by agreeing to the termination of your parentage here in court you are saying that you are okay with B & R packing up little Brady and Cohen and taking them across the country, never to be seen or heard from again. You are saying that you are fine with them giving you a pat on the shoulder and disappearing from your life all together as if they never had been here. Are you okay with this?"
Of course I did what I was supposed to do and I responded with a "Yes", but everyone knows that of course I would NOT be okay with any of the above! Ugh, seriously! I am perfectly happy and okay with relinquishing all parenting rights and privileges of Brady and Cohen over to B & R. I have my hands full with Natalie and Annalies and am perfectly content with our two girls. What I am NOT okay with is the friendship we have created and fostered over this past year just being tossed aside carelessly as his line of questioning would imply. I have a lot invested in these two little guys (and the two big ones, too!). I'm not ready or willing to just let them go on their merry way without any contact in the future. It might be okay for some surrogates and their families, but sorry, that won't work for me. (B & R have assured me that this is not their intent at all. There will be no disappearing to a far away state while refusing any contact.)
All of that said (really, thought of at the time), being the law abiding citizen I am, I told the judge that I was willing to let R & B do whatever they think is right for their children and that I deem it in their best interest to remove me from the birth certificate. Which really is the crux of the matter. I am not nor will ever be their mother. Gestational Carrier, yes. Surrogate, yes. Friend, yes. Mother, nope! Not my genetics, not my kids!
Seriously, why couldn't the Attorney just have asked all of the questions like that? "Are you the Mother?" No! "Are you the Gestation Carrier/Surrogate?" Yes! "Do you want B & R to be Brady and Cohen's parents?" YES! That kind of questioning wouldn't have brought me close to tears. Dumb law stuff.
Wow, can I rant on about random happenings! Sorry.
Anyway, B was questioned. R was questioned. The judge signed everything. Happy dance ensued. B & R have been recognized by the State of Minnesota as the legal parents of Cohen and Brady! Woo hoo! Everything is as it should be. Congratulations to the new, official family! They are legally your little miracles now. (But I'm still going to check in on them!) :-)
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