Another Ending

5 months, 10 days. 1,304 sessions. 11,340 ounces. 652 hours/27+ days.*

Why all the math? You know how much I love math (yeah, right).

There's a very good reason for the math. Here it is: I've officially finished pumping.

Big news, right? I know! 

First, the technical part: Over the past 5 1/2 months, I've pumped every 3-4 hours around the clock. This equals to roughly 1,304 pumping sessions. Each pumping session lasts between 30-60 minutes (some days I would have a huge supply, hence the need for a longer session.) This means I was hooked up to that machine 652 hours, or just a bit over 27 days.

I've sent something like 1,100 bags with 8oz of milk to Brady and Cohen, and countless bottles delivered to the hospital. Figuring out the average of 70oz a day I was pumping at the start and pretty much maintained, that equals 11,340 oz of milk produced. That's over 88 1/2 gallons! No wonder the boys are looking so healthy! 

Don't they look great? Milk, it does a couple of bodies good! 

I am pretty daunted and amazed by all of these facts. It is a bit fascinating when you can see the numbers and not just a small bottle of liquid. Go me!

Like I said before, I was getting 70ish ounces a day on average through most of the past months. Some days and sessions, I could get 20 ounces per session. For some reason, these past couple of weeks my body has significantly decreased the amount it was producing. And just this last week, I have dropped production even more. 

This pic is the amount I was able to produce all day on Wednesday. 3 whopping ounces. Woo hoo. 

Aside from all of the above mentioned stats, I'm having a bit of a hard time letting this go. Not that it won't be wonderful not having to plan my life around when I will need to pump to avoid leaking or even just being really uncomfortable. And it will be nice not taking supplements every day or even drinking multiple cups of Mother's Milk tea (although I have really started to enjoy teas!). And, frankly, the physical discomfort will NOT be missed. No matter what creams, lanolins, or pads/cups I used, there was always a bit of discomfort to some degree for some reason. And I'm not even talking about engorgement here, either! All of that will not be missed at all. 

No, my difficulty letting go is nothing I can actually touch. What's going on is all mental, and I totally realize this. I kind of feel like with me stopping the pumping and supplying milk for Brady and Cohen, I am finally done with my surrogate duties. The very last physical part of this journey is done for me. It really is hard to explain, but I just know that I feel like I'm going through another separation from Brady and Cohen and even Brad and Rodney again. 

Honestly, the first time I said goodbye to Brad, Rodney, Brady, and Cohen, I know I had major hormones running through me as I sobbed my way home. I wasn't sad, upset, whatever because I wasn't keeping the babies. It was more about saying goodbye to my friends and being done with my surrogacy journey.

Since they went home back in May, I have visited them several times and haven't had major emotions upon leaving. Its wonderful seeing all of them and just to have the reassurance that they are well and I really did help with the making of their family.

This time, this really is the last "thing" I have. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am still friends with their family. I still chat with them quite often. We share texts back and forth. I am contemplating taking the girls on a road trip to visit them next month. I know that just because I am done pumping doesn't mean the end of all communication or contact. 

Even though I know all of this, it doesn't mean its any easier for me right now. I know I'll be okay once I come to grips with this new situation. But, I think its perfectly okay for me to spend time processing all of this. Life is full of goodbyes and changes and this is just one of them. Okay, so not everyone deals with this particular situation, but for those of us lucky enough to be called "surrogate" this is a bit of our reality. 

So, for this chapter of my life, and for this surrogacy journey, I am wrapping things up. Sometime in the upcoming days, I will send the last frozen package to the guys. I will begin putting things on the shelves in my freezers that have been dedicated to milk, and I will pack away the pump and its parts until I need to use them again. 

What? Did I not mention that part? No, I am not pregnant, nor am I planning any additions to our family. I would love to be a part of another surrogate journey in the future. I know that it is not advised that I attempt another pregnancy before the one year mark of my c-section. However, having been through the whole matching/screening/contract thing, I know there is a lot of prep work before we can even attempt the whole pregnancy thing. 

So, stay tuned for another possible journey and another miracle! 

Brady and Cohen, one year after the embryo transfer and the start of this amazing journey!


*All numbers in this post are approximates, since I didn't actually keep track of ounces per day, bags shipped, number of pumping sessions, etc. Hey, I'm just not that anal or have that kind of time! 

A Weekend Visit and a Horrible Documentary

I know its been a while since I last wrote. Several significant things have happened since. 

The first is that Shawn and I were able to visit Brad, Rodney, Brady, and Cohen. Shawn had a convention not too far from their home. We decided to drive to the convention so we stopped to see them before and after the GeekFest. 

I was so happy to see the four of them! I pretty much walked in to their house and announced that I needed a baby to hold! Many thanks to PawPaw for handing over Cohen to me. 

We all went out for dinner and while there, Brady needed some snuggles, too. 

After dinner, Shawn and I went on our way to the convention. A few days later, we were on our way back to their house for more of a visit. It was nice to spend some time with them and catch up on life since we last saw them. 

Of course, baby snuggles were had by all! The boys have grown so much, even since I last saw them a month ago! 

It was fun to catch up with Brad and Rodney, too. It is so much fun to see them in their new roles as parents an hear how their lives have changed. It's nice to chat with them and see what's going on in their lives.

After spending two days with their family, Shawn and I had to go home. I could have stayed much longer, but Shawn reminded me that we had a 12 hour car ride ahead of us, so reluctantly we said goodbye (sorry we missed you, Brad. I was tempted to swing over  to where you were and say goodbye, but we didn't want to interrupt your meeting.) 

After I arrived home, I received an email letting me know that an agency with a very technical and official sounding name recently made a documentary about surrogacy. This "movie" (and I use that term loosely) was going to be premiered in Minneapolis on Wednesday night. Several of my friends who are surrogates and I decided to attend this showing. The kicker about this movie is that it was not presented as a movie in favor of surrogacy. There was also to be a Q & A time after the show with the director and the leader of the group. This I've got to see, right?

As I sat in the theater with four other surrogates and three of our supporters I couldn't believe the garbage presented to me on the big screen. The four women the documentary interviewed all had issues come up with their surrogate journeys and because of these issues they are now trying to say that surrogacy is bad and shouldn't be allowed.

My first issue with the surrogates is that none of them had a contract in place. Well, duh! Yeah, there might be issues with the outcome if there weren't clear understandings and guidelines in place for all of you! 

The second issue is that none of the people had any paych testing, medical evaluation, or checks of any kind before becoming a surrogate. (Oh, and by the way, one of the women carried donor eggs for herself to raise, so technically, she's not a surrogate. She was the mother with fertility issues and donated eggs.)

Two of the surrogates were traditional surrogates (meaning they used their own egg, not a donor or the mother's egg) and then once the babies were born, changed their minds and refused to give the babies up. Long custody battle ensues, both judges find for the surrogate as their children's mother and grants them custody arrangements. Crappy surrogacy outcome for everyone.

One lady carried several times. On her third journey, the baby was discovered to have genetic abnormalities and the parents wanted nothing to do with the child. Technically and legally, the surrogate could have been held liable and with another baby on her hands since she was carrying without a contract. Things kind of worked out where the parents did take the child, but the surrogate was an emotional mess.

As I said, these people all just went into surrogacy haphazardly, without safeguards in place like medical or psychological testing, a contract, etc.  Yes, there will be cases of surrogacy gone wrong and without these things in place, they turn out horrible for everyone.

One big thing that bugged me is that during the whole movie and during the Q & A, the panel kept saying that surrogacy is wrong because no one is thinking about the children. Basically, it's doing harm by intent. "What will happen to the children as they grow up and have to come to terms with the fact that they aren't being raised by their genetic parent?" and "it causes major confusion and problems when babies aren't able to bond with their birth mother." They kept referring to the "commodification" of babies through the buying and selling of lives as they referred to surrogates as "industrial human farms." (Not even kidding.) 

Honestly, part of this is correct. When we started this whole process, I wasn't thinking specifically of Brady and Cohen. How could I? When I signed up to be Brad and Rodney's surrogate, I wanted them to be able to experience the joy of having a child, but honestly, that was still a wish, hope, and a dream for all of us. If I had known all that we have been through this passed year, I would have done it the same way again (well, with a couple of minor tweeks!). The wonderful little people who get to call Brad and Rodney "daddy" are worth everything. The critics are right, we don't really focus on the baby during surrogacy. I was more focused on the family surrogacy would be creating, rather than just the baby. The process to get us to the baby can be a long and sometimes arduous road.  What the critics are completely wrong about is that surrogacy is anything but harm by intent. The intent from the start has been for good and wonderful, not harm. I can honestly say that no one was harmed in the surrogacy process of Brady and Cohen.

As for their other strongly worded argument of how to explain their birth story or the issue of not having their genetic or birth mother in their lives, couldn't the same be said about adoption and adoptive kids? No one is having a fit about adoption and the lack of "maternal bonding at birth." Many of the adopted children have no way of finding out who their birth mother is. I'm one of the very lucky surrogates in that Brad and Rodney have both invited me to be a part of the boys' life. Even though there is distance separating us, I still get to see pictures of the boys and they've allowed me and invited me to visit when I would like. I very much understand that this is not what happens in many surrogacy cases. After birth or court, many surrogates get a "thanks for the baby" thump on the shoulder and the parents take the baby home, never to be heard from again.

As for the maternal bonding, I guess that's where I have a personal issue. We've all heard women say that they fell in love with their baby as soon as they saw them. For me, that really hasn't been the case. When I first gave birth to my girls, I loved them because they were special tiny humans that my husband and I created, but I didn't have that "falling in love" feeling I was told every mother gets. I honestly thought something was wrong with me until I talked with some other mothers and heard them say the same thing. 

When I first saw Brady after he was born, I was in awe and amazed at his perfect little being. I was so proud that I was able to help make his who he was. I remember thinking "I did that! I had a baby for them!" But, like my girls, I wasn't in love with Brady. 

I know babies need to be held, to be touched, especially right after they are born. I don't really think it matters if it is their "mother" who is doing the holding or if it is another person who loves them who gets to hold them. As long as they can feel the love, support, warmth, and care of the individual that's all that matters. I do like to think that when I'm with Brady and Cohen that they know who I am, they recognize me. But, I also know that they recognize their parents, grandparents, cousins, and some special friends in their lives. Isn't it wonderful so many people are in their lives!

Knowing Brad and Rodney and a few other IP's, many children birthed from a surrogate are told honestly about the circumstances surrounding their birth. Yes, there may be questions, but that's how kids learn. They get information they need in chunks they can process according to their age and maturity level. It's called parenting. Dealing with tough questions is all a part of the package! If the parents chose not to be open and honest about the circumstances about the child's birth, well, that seems to be a whole other topic and choice for them to make.

And, apparently, I have gone off on yet another surrogacy related tangent. I guess to summarize, how about if I just say "please don't see "Breeders" or anything else by Jennifer Lahl. She's done a couple of other documentaries about egg donation and sperm donation. I can't think of one reason to support her, her agency, or the piece of theatrical garbage she produced. Let's keep our focus on the good things going well. After all, I support small miracles! 

Brady and Cohen, four months old.

A Wonderful Visit

Finally! Friday night I hopped a flight for a visit with the babies and their daddies.

Now that's more like it! 

Brady and Cohen are doing great! They've changed so much and gotten so much bigger since I saw them last. They've filled out and are much stronger, as they should be. They've been a lot of fun to snuggle and play with during my visit.

Of course, I'm also checking in with Brad and Rodney. Not having had twins of my own, I'm curious to see how they are adjusting to their new life. (Checking in, not checking on.)

From all appearances, they are doing great as well. Slightly more sleep deprived than a parent of a single newborn, but handling it very well. Isn't it nice to know that this is just for a short time and not how they have to adjust to life forever? :-)

It's been fun catching up with them and hearing about life with the boys. Of course big changes have happened in their lives in the past three months, but these changes have been good. They are doing a great job of keeping the boys on a schedule (of which I've been told is a must when you have twins ) and the boys are thriving so nicely in their loving care. 

I noticed right away that Rodney's accent is back. It's no longer slightly tinted with Minnesota. Brad, on the other hand... I'm amused to note that after hanging around me for just a day or so, some of the speech patterns he picked up while in Minnesota are back! Or maybe they never left. Hmm. :-)

Brady is still a busy boy. He likes to be moving or have action around him. He's very inquisitive and is always looking around. He makes you work for a big smile, but once you get one it lights up his whole face! 

Cohen is such a little snuggler! He is still a mild mannered little guy. He gives great smiles and giggles that go all the way to his toes! He's giving the guys a run for their money when it comes to bed time. Good thing there are willing arms to snuggle with him so he can sleep. 

The boys really loved to be held, which is great with so many loving grandparents wanting to be involved and help! There is no shortage of caring arms to snuggle them! I was able to visit with several of the grandparents on my trip. It was nice to see them as well.

I've never met a baby who likes to play on the floor as much as Brady and Cohen. They were on their play mat for a long time on both their tummies and backs and just having so much fun!

I told the guys that I don't know how they get anything done with the boys at home. They are such snugly, cuddly babies who curl up so nicely in your arms or on your chest. It would be hard to put them down! They are a real joy to be around.

That pretty much wraps up my trip to see them. Lots of chatting, lots of snuggles, lots of fun was had on my long weekend. Shawn and I are planning a visit late next month on our way to a conference for Shawn, so until then I'll enjoy pics of these amazing miracles! 

Hanging out on their play mat. They were amused by the strange person above the mat snapping pics! 

Chillaxing with Cohen.

Classic Brady with his tongue going!

Brady is ready to go!

Cohen ready for the restaurant.

What's In A Name?

"Pumping" "Expressing" "Collecting Milk" All of these are proper terms for using a breast pump. 

"Doin' what you need to do" is how my coworkers phrase it. (Or they just avoid the topic all together.)

"Go pump," "spend some quality time with a machine," "take a 20 minute break" are all phrases I've used at work. 

My daughters, however, are a different story. Annalies is pretty blunt with her "do you hurt, mommy? You need to pump?" Natalie has no filter and will ask anywhere  "is it time for you to pump the milk out?"

My friends are so all over the place! "Squeeze titties/boobies" or "drain the girls" are the current favorites.

So, what I've decided is that I need to name my pump. I'm currently pumping 6-7 times a day for anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 minutes. Averaging things out, that's about three hours a day I'm hooked up to this machine. The silly thing deserves a name.

The machine itself is black with butter yellow machine parts. It's boring looking, makes a rhythmic "hee-oo hee-oo" sound, and has a couple of silver zippers.

Once the machine has a name, then I can "go spend some time with (insert name here)," or "visit/talk with (insert name here.)" Maybe naming it would make life easier/less taboo for my coworkers, too. 

But, what to name it? Hmm... I happen to think Sean Connery and George Clooney are very good looking men. However, I can't call my machine either of those names. I'm married to Shawn and that could just get weird. As for George, is that even an option? Other that Mr Clooney, oh, and the ever popular Mr George Lucas (of whom my husband happens to bear resemblance) I don't really associate George with a heartthrob kind of name. (No offense to any reader named George... I am sure there are some good looking men out there named George. I just don't know them.) That being said, I'm taking suggestions for names!

Speaking of names, it was three months ago that we were introduced to two little guys named Brady and Cohen! Happy three months, little guys! Can you believe it's been three months already? Just another part of miracles! 

Milk, It Does a Body (or Two) Good!

This week Rodney informed me that their milk supply was getting low, so he made arrangements for me to send some more milk. I was able to send three boxes filled with bags of frozen milk. I think I was able to send somewhere around 80 bags in these boxes, so that should last the boys a few days.

Look at those little guys! They have filled out so much and are just as adorable as can be! Obviously, the milk is doing its job well and they are thriving on it. I've been told that Brady is 10 lbs 7 oz and Cohen is 9 lbs 12 oz. Way to grow, little guys!

I really can't believe that I haven't been down to visit them yet, but I am working on resolving this. I have a little secret... I have flight privileges for non-urgent flights. If I HAVE to be somewhere, I purchase a real ticket. If I am not on a set schedule and have some flexibility I can fly standby. That being said, I am looking into visiting the boys really soon. I need a Brady and Cohen fix!

Little miracles make me smile!

"Oh, you HAD a c-section."

Women, and particularly mothers, this post is for and to you.

I love telling people that I had twins for another family. I love saying that I was a surrogate. I loved the whole process from embryos transferred to the birth of the babies. 

Yes, there were a couple of things that at the time were not fun. Contractions every 2 minutes while in the car at 3 a.m. was not my favorite part. The epidural not having time to work and giving birth to Brady naturally was not in my "birth plan" (ha! Like I even had a birth plan!) Enduring my doctor pushing on my stomach for 45 minutes and still ending up with a c-section for Cohen was definitely not something I had even considered.

All of that said, the ultimate end goal of all pregnancies is a healthy baby, right? 

I think people, and other women who have given birth particularly, tend to forget that goal: healthy baby. For some reason, women get hung up on the whole c-section thing. I don't know why some people think they are more or less of a woman because of how they gave birth. 

This week, as people at my workplace have been learning more about Brady and Cohen, I have heard that obnoxious phrase "oh, you had a c-section." It's always said with that tone. You know, the one that implies you are less of a woman or not strong enough or I don't know what else all because you had a c-section. 

The way I look at it is that the ultimate goal of any child birth is that of a healthy baby, healthy mom/surrogate. Period. Is a c-section the easiest way for a baby to enter the world? No, it's usually easier to have a vaginal delivery. I think there are very few women who actually would chose major abdominal surgery over a natural birth experience. But it happens. 

I'm thankful that we have the option of c-section for when things don't go as expected or planned. I am so thankful for my doctor who had the knowledge to know when it was time do the surgery. Cohen's existence is proof of her skill as a physician.

So, as people patronizingly say to me "oh, you had a c-section," I just calmly smile and respond with "yes, thankfully I had a c-section with Cohen. What a blessing to be able to deliver another healthy baby!" After all, because of that surgery, there are two healthy miracles!

Supplements, and Teas, and Capsules-Oh My!

I received a box in the mail yesterday. Remember how much I love getting packages in the mail? It's like Christmas, baby! Even though I was the one who ordered the items in the box, it's still the excitement of actually receiving the box that makes me happy. 

My girls crowded around as I opened the box. "What did mommy get? Toys? Clothes? A new purse?" Nope! I received a box filled with Mother's Milk Tea, fenugreek seed capsules, and blessed thistle capsules. Were they as excited as I was? No, not at all. They had fun smelling the items (fenugreek=good, blessed thistle=nasty!)

My breakfast teas of cold chai and hot mother's milk to wash down my crazy pills. Prenatal vitamin (as long as I'm pumping I'm supposed to take it), Zyrtec, BCP, my first of three daily doses of two blessed thistle caps, and my first of four daily doses of three fenugreek caps.

I feel like the supplements and tea have helped my body get to the production level it currently is producing (right around  60oz a day). I definitely don't think they've lived up to the hype of "doubling" a women's supply. If I had a low supply, I think I would have stopped pumping when Brady and Cohen moved back home. According to Rodney, I'm pretty much on track with where the boys are right now, maybe a bit ahead. 

I've had a pretty cool development in the past couple days. An acquaintance from years past contacted me to learn more about surrogacy. As this is a favorite subject of mine, of course I'm willing to talk with them! Also, another friend is just starting to explore the infertility route and all there is to offer medically. She's been asking me a bunch of questions regarding surrogacy as well. 

I'm so glad I'm able to help others out, not just Brad and Rodney with a healthy twin pregnancy and their two boys, but the acquaintance by sharing my story and my friend to walk through infertility treatments along side of her. I love being able to help others any way I can, so if I'm carrying a baby, being a support to another, or informing people of an option, I count it all as a good thing. It is all just to be a part of someone's miracle.

Two Months and a New Audience

Happy two months, Brady and Cohen! I actually started this post on the 24th when they turned 2 months, but with the craziness of life, I'm just getting to it now. Ah well. That's life!

Photo curtesy of Rodney and Brad. Look at those adorable chubby cheeks and baby rolls!

Rodney was in Minnesota a little over a week ago and brought all the frozen milk I had back home for the babies. Since then, with the aid of the supplements and whatever else I'm doing, I'm pumping around 56ish ounces a day. My freezer is getting full again! Yes! 

Even with this pretty decent supply and pumping régime, I have fallen victim to the dreaded clogged milk duct. Ouch! In case you haven't had this interesting experience, it basically feels like a painful bruise in the tissue. Remedies for this include pumping more often, heat compresses to the site, gentle massage while pumping, and making sure the ducts are fully drained with each pumping. Easy, right? Yeah... Just one more thing to add to this crazy life!

Why is life so crazy for me right now, you ask? Well, last week my director at work decided that I would be better used at our newly acquired site, Central Baptist Child Development Center, soon to be renamed SonShine Central. This new school has been in existence for 60 years, however, due to poor choices of their previous director, our organization was asked to take over the school. Hence, the need to get some of our teachers who know the way SonShine operates in to the new center and my new trek to the 'hood.

With learning a new, huge location, students, and staff, it's been so interesting to me to get to know the new area. I've told my coworkers about past ages I've taught and that I'm just back from maternity leave as of two weeks ago. Since they know nothing about me, the whole "delivered twins two months ago" has been a bit of a surprise to many.

I'm still choosing to pump in my car, as it just easier for set up and privacy. Another teacher saw me enter the building after pumping. I was carrying my small cooler with the fresh milk to put in the fridge and she asked if that was my lunch. Nope, not mine, but lunch for the babies! 

My milk transport system, aka milk cooler.

I think most of the Central staff doesn't really know what to think of me. What kind of lady transfers to a new school in the inner city from the 'burbs? And throw in the whole "gave away" two babies and I must be a total lunatic! Like I said, I think I'm regarded as an odd entity to most. I can deal with that. My husband and a coworker said this sounds like a made-for-tv Lifetime movie! "...after delivering twins for a childless couple, the middle class Caucasian woman goes in to an inner city school to help turn it around by using organization, paint, tough love, and stickers." Grab your Kleenex and stay tuned!

Well, until Lifetime, TLC, or Hallmark call me for movie rights to my story, I'll stick to blogging and sharing my story to interested individuals. And what a wonderful story I have to share about two amazing miracles!

Another Critic

I seem to be collecting people who feel its their right to express judgement or criticism toward me regarding surrogacy. Seriously, why is it right to let me know that someone is not supportive of me or of surrogacy in general? You'd think that by this time, after the babies are born and safely in their parent's arms in a far away state, any criticism would be a moot point by now. Apparently, I was mistaken about this. 

Once again, it was someone who is fairly close to me and my family who brought up the subject tonight, and once again, this person decided to tell me that they were against surrogacy and my particular situation. This time, however, the individual decided to involve the kids in the conversation. I don't mean my kids were present as we talked, but more along the lines of "how are you explaining all of this to your children?" and "have you considered what it will be like for the babies (this person refuses to use any names of individuals involved, for some reason) as they grow up? How is this whole situation going to be explained to them?" 

Ah, the questions... I answered my critic's questions honestly. My girls have been involved and have been given age appropriate information as needed or requested. My girls absolutely love Rodney and Brad and think the babies are wonderful. Apparently this individual still believes that if you don't expose your children to non-traditional situations, they don't exist for them. You know, like if we lived in the country or I was sheltering the girls just a bit more they would never need to know what surrogacy is. Yeah... 

As for Brady and Cohen, I told the critic that as far as I know, when they ask they will be given age appropriate information regarding their birth, they will hopefully know me and understand my role in their arrival, and as for their upbringing, well, that is for their parents to decide and of which I have full confidence that Brad and Rodney will do their absolute best, like most parents would. I don't see how the small fact of not birthing ones own child would play into being a sub-par parent... If anyone can explain that to me, I would love to have help understanding that one. And this critic is in favor of adoption, so the whole not the birth parent argument really isn't a valid one, if you ask me. Is it just because the embryos were created in a lab rather than the old fashioned way? I think that just opens up a whole other can of worms... Is it because I'm not married to the babies' father? (seriously, can of worms opening... I'll stop hypothesizing now.)

My favorite part of the whole conversation was "I'm not judging, I'm just trying to understand how you could be a part of something like this." Hmm, I think I need to send this person the definition of "judging." 

The conversation ended with "how are you doing since they took the babies and went home?" (emphasis on the "took.")  My response was something along the lines of "I'm doing really well! The first couple days were tough, of course, but I still keep in touch with all of them and seeing pictures of the babies helps. I've been busy and I miss being able to just meet for dinner and to chat, but I can always text and say hi. Things are good! I'm excited to go visit them in the near future!" (Shawn and I are making plans for a long weekend visit.) "Oh, and I'm going to be a surrogate again!" (Not today, sometime after I'm all healed and Shawn and I are ready to talk about the process again.)

With that proclamation, the subject was changed and our conversation was essentially over. 

I'm all for questions, but the tone and the thoughts behind the questions kind of steer how I will answer the questions. If someone really is curious, of course I answer their questions candidly and honestly. If someone is being judgmental or just nosey, my flippant, sarcastic responses come out. That's just me. 

I feel sorry for this critic. I had guessed their response was going to be something like this, which is why I chose not to be too involved with them this past year. Honestly, I tried to surround myself with positive people who would be my support and cheering section throughout this journey, which is why I didn't associate with them much as of late. I really am okay with people not agreeing with my decision. This isn't for everyone. I totally get that. But, because of this person's attitude and words, they are missing out on sharing some really awesome events in the lives of my family. Seriously, how much better can life get than seeing two adorable miracles! 

(Thanks for the pic, Rodney!)

         

A Quick Visit

Friday morning Rodney and I were texting back and forth and he mentioned that he needed to come up here this weekend. So, Saturday afternoon, the girls and I picked him up from the airport and spent some time with him. I had two very excited little girls! 

The girls love going to the park, so we drove to one of their favorites, "Chutes and Ladders" for some play time. As we were walking toward the play area, Natalie was already trying to talk Rodney into climbing the structure with her. Thankfully, this park allows and encourages adult participation, and Rodney was game, so off and up the two of them went! 

After a couple of hours of play, we all went to the MOA for dinner. Shawn was working and he was able to take his lunch break while we were there. We all enjoyed a good visit over dinner. 

It was so nice to see Rodney. Annalies said that she hasn't seen Rodney in "a very long time!" I reminded both of them that actually, Rodney, Brad and the babies have been gone for less than two weeks. (Natalie didn't believe me.) But, I agree, it does feel like it has been a very long time! 

I did tease that the reason Rodney wanted to make the trip was so he could get a night of uninterrupted sleep without having to wake every couple of hours to feed Brady or Cohen. :-) I remember being a new parent and not getting much sleep. I can totally relate to thinking I would give almost anything for just 8 hours in a row of sleep! (actually, I was saying that just a few months ago. Between getting up for the bathroom or one of my kids needing something, 8 hours was a far away dream!)

Before Rodney began the drive home, he stopped over to our house for another quick visit. I was able to send with him two coolers full of frozen milk. I think the 1200 ounces, give or take, will tide them over for a little while. If not, well, there's more where all of that came from! 

Milk production is still going well. I've been pumping around 64 oz a day right now, but I was encouraged to add a supplement to my diet to attempt to increase that a bit. Last week I started with a tea three times a day, this week I was to add fenugreek supplements to my diet. So, they were started today. I'm amused by these little capsules. According to various literature, the side effects of this particular supplement are "maple syrup smelling." You read that right, I may start smelling like maple syrup. Of all the side effects in the world, I think I can deal with smelling like maple syrup! I did warn Rodney about this particular side effect. It is possible that the babies might smell like maple syrup as well. So other than not wanting pancakes for a while, I'm not seeing much of a downside to this supplement! Since I've only had a couple of doses of the fenugreek, I'm not seeing a change in my production yet. I'm going to be watching over the next week or so to see if anything changes. 

It was so very nice to have a visit with Rodney. I was definitely able to deal with today's goodbye much better than the last time they left the state. Yeah, last time was really not pretty...  

Shawn and I are trying to work out the logistics of a possible trip at the end of July/early August. Hopefully things will work out for Shawn to be able to go to his conference and then we would spend a few days with their family after he's done geeking out. If not, I will find some other way to go visit. :-) 

Today, we sent Rodney on his way with lots of hugs and instructions to give Brad and the boys hugs, too. Just thinking about the wonderful, small miracles he has waiting for him back home makes me smile. 

Back to Work

Today is officially my second day back at work since having the babies. I'm amused that word got out yesterday that I'm back and today I've had many coworkers and parents stop and ask about the babies. I'm amazed at some of the questions people have had - good questions and I welcome their questions, but wow. I wasn't prepared for some of them! Of course I can be just a tad smart-alec-y and I do love messing with people a bit. :-) Here's a sample of some of the questions and my responses:

-"How do you know who each baby belongs to?" That's easy. Brady and Cohen each belong to Brad and Rodney. (Yes, I know what they are trying to ask, but I'm going to make them work for it!)

-"Why 'Brady' and 'Cohen'?" Because 'Baby #1' and 'Baby #2' were already taken. (This from a parent of children with rather "unique" names.)

-"You are pumping for the babies? How do you get the milk all of the way to them each day?" I don't. I have something like 800 ounces frozen in my freezers and I overnight it to them when they need it. Even when they were here in the Twin Cities I didn't deliver daily after their first week. Every couple of days was sufficient to meet their needs.

I freeze the milk in the little freezer. Then, I put the frozen milk in the big bags and finally put the bags in the deep freezer. They are easier to sort and then ship for me.

-"Do they (Brad and Rodney) want more kids?" I think what they want right now is sleep. Other than looking forward to the day they can get 6 hours in a row of uninterrupted sleep, I don't think they are contemplating more kids just yet. 

-"How's the pumping?" Great. Milk is still being produced, I'm giving various supplements a whirl on the advice of a lactation consultant (I know I can keep up with one baby, I'm hoping to keep up with two). I'm fearing my pump may be starting to slow down as every once in a while I have lighter suction from it. I'm really hoping it's going to make it. If not, I believe my insurance should cover another one. Hmm, maybe I should preemptively get the other one from my insurance. I'd hate to have my pump go on me when I really need it. Ouch!

-"What's it like giving birth to two babies?" A lot like giving birth to one and then doing it all again. This is usually followed by "Would you have twins again?" Technically, I don't have twins now, so... (Insert pause here) And, no, I'm not going to intentionally get pregnant with twins again.

I'm so glad my students' parents and coworkers know me. I love that they feel comfortable enough with me to ask questions. The one question I've been getting a lot from pretty much everyone is "do you miss them?" Well, yes, of course I miss them, but I am so glad with how things are right now. Brad and Rodney have the family they've wanted. My family has some amazing friends to visit in a state that's warmer than Minnesota (seriously, when are we going to get some nice weather around here!). How can I be anything but happy with the way things are for all of us? Who am I to question small miracles?

The Road to Normal and Laws

I found something rather interesting today. Two years ago on March 24th, 2012, I contacted IARC and requested information on becoming a surrogate. I had a phone interview on the 25th and was emailed information on the 26th. It's incredible all that has happened during this time! Wow! What a crazy coincidence!

The week, so far, has been long for me. The guys and the babies have been home for three days now. It's a bit odd to not have everyone just a short drive away. On Tuesday I found myself with a few spare hours to kill around my 6 week follow up appointment and my initial thought was to go visit the babies. Reality quickly took over as I realized they are no longer in their apartment or in the hospital. 

At my last OB visit for this pregnancy, I'm pleased to say that my doctor has confirmed that I am healing quite nicely from the births. She talked with me a bit about future pregnancies and what they would look like. It sounds like any future pregnancies will require some form of progesterone weekly from the 16 week mark, a bit of early checking for dilation and/or effacement, and I'm probably looking at a c-section. She is recommending that I don't intentionally carry twins again and has given me the green light for another pregnancy. Yeah!

This does not mean I have contacted the agency already with a request of them to match me again. Obviously, my body is still trying to fully recover from the bedrest and surgery. I'd like to think that I'm bouncing back pretty well, overall. I've lost all of the baby weight. I'm working on toning and getting my energy back. I'm still tired at the end of the day and really enjoy any naps I can sneak in.

Shawn is supportive of me being a surrogate again. It was a good experience for our family and he knows how much it meant to me to be able to help make a family for another. Obviously, he wants to make sure I am healthy before we go again, but he has agreed with me that in time we will try again.

So, that's good news. Health is always good. 

Tuesday afternoon I met the Attorney at the Capitol again. This time our agenda was to meet with a few Senators and Representatives and talk with them for a few minutes about the potential bills. 

Here's what I've surmised about the political system in the U.S.: it's a pain in the keester. This week both the senate and house are in full session. In theory, all of the bills that made it through different committees should be making their way to the floors to be voted on. Should they pass those votes, then they go to the govenor. Right now, our bills aren't exactly headed to the floors. They are stalled as the authors and the lobbyists are trying to see if they can either a) tack our bill on to another bill and then the floors can just make a big vote on similar bills all packaged together, or b) send just the small bills to the floors and have them vote on those.

I'm kind of disappointed that there is a major potential to just send the small bills to the floors. To refresh your memory, the small bill is just the intent of parentage part. Any individual with the intent of parentage may appear in court, regardless of their genetic ties.

Don't get me wrong, I think this is an important thing to have pass. However, this still does nothing to help the surrogate during the court process. Other surrogates will have to appear in court and give up their parental rights when they aren't the parents in the first place. And it doesn't fix the egg and embryo part of the law, either. 

Back to Tuesday. We met the lobbyist and talked about our game plan for the day. She gave us a list of individuals we should try to talk with and see where they are on the bills. She gave us a list of 4 senators and 3 representatives from both parties. I'm happy to report that the Attorney and I talked with each of the people she recommended and a couple more. All but one heartily said that yes, they will back this bill. One requested additional information to fully understand it, and the one who didn't say he could completely back it said that he'd be interested in reading about it if we would send him the information. It wasn't a no, but it wasn't a yes, either. 

I really enjoyed myself on Tuesday. I don't think that everyone believed it when the attorney told them I had twins six weeks ago. I had a couple people glance at me with a look that said "yeah, right." Of course, I would then pull up a pic of the boys from last week and that seemed to help their disbelief. I was able to tell my story several times and we would explain why this bill ment so much to me. They could see for themselves that I'm not what they may have heard about a steriotypical surrogate. 

I'm still praying this bill will pass all the way to the Govenor's desk. I'd love to see the WHOLE bill pass, but I'm realistic enough to know that probably isn't going to happen. 

After a very busy Monday and Tuesday, Annalies and I mostly stayed home Wednesday. Which was great because I went back to work today! I was planning on going back next Monday, but when I picked up Annalies on Tuesday after I was done at the Capitol the director talked with me about filling in for a couple of staff people today and tomorrow. Ah, yes. She caught me in a moment of weakness when I was tired. Of course I said yes.

Today was busy. They had me in the Infant 2 room. These are babies who are being spoon fed baby foods and are somewhere between independent sitter and almost walking. They still need a lot of help, but definitely not as much as a newborn or those in Infant 1. 

I'm able to do most of what I need to do to function in this classroom, but as I still have a weight restriction and anxiety when lifting from the floor, I mostly figured out various work arounds. Thankfully there was another adult in the room with me and the 7 babies, so she was able to pick them up from the floor for me. Once they were anywhere but the floor, I was good to go. I'm back again tomorrow in the same room, so we will see how day #2 goes!

Like I said, it's been a long week for me. I find myself catching little things that remind me of Brady and Cohen or Brad and Rodney. A few things have been: last night I stumbled across Rocco's Pizza about 2 miles away; Natalie was reading a story about "Nate's inner tube"; while at the Capitol I happen to notice one of the senators had his necktie knotted in a half Windsor knot; another baby wearing the red and white striped outfit. Like I said, they aren't big things, just little things I notice as I'm going along with my days. 

I promise I'm not as sappy as I was a few days ago. I get that I still am dealing with hormones and emotions. It's just nice to run across small reminders that make me smile.

It is time for me to wrap this up. It's pumping time and then bed for this lady. I try to get in one pumping session before bed and then I have been sleeping about 5-6 hours before I need to get up again. 

Oh, I should share a quick funny kid-ism. Natalie, my six year old, says that I pump from my "milk holders." Annalies, my almost three-year-old says that I use my pumpers to get the milk. (And yes, both of them have been told technical names for body parts, but both seem to have adopted their own slang!)

Good night, world. Take care of the small miracles.

6 Weeks, Discharged, and Good Bye

This post really should be divided into two parts. Here's the first part: Happy six weeks, Brady and Cohen! 

It's been a very busy day for the boys. After a rocky weekend, medically speaking, Cohen has finally been sprung from the hospital! 

Now that Cohen is discharged from the hospital, we took the opportunity to visit the agency and many of the people who helped us all. Many of the people Brad, Rodney, and I have worked with these past 13 + months were there today to meet the boys and wish them luck with their family and their travels. 

With Cohen's discharge from the hospital, Brad and Rodney decided that it was time to go back home. That being said, they decided to purchase tickets and just fly home instead of drive. This would get them home faster and hopefully be less hassle with two small babies. And this is where the sucky part comes in. Forgive me for the extremely unedited, emotional second half of this entry. 

Ugh, this really sucks. Now that I've stopped crying I can see enough to write, I said goodbye to the guys tonight. The morons who insist that surrogacy is purely a business transaction, i.e. "renting my uterus," or think that the only reason I did any of this was for money have absolutely no flipping clue about what happened today or the emotional part of surrogacy. The fact that I had to say goodbye to two dear friends and their miraculous babies is proof that this was way more than baby trafficking or "the baby business."

Yes, I know we all will see each other again. Shawn and I will hopefully go down to see them in their home sometime late summer/early fall. I hope that I will be able to be there for the babies' first birthday in 10 1/2 months. If everything continues to fall in place, I hope they all can come up next year when I direct my first show and they all can see Jesus Christ Superstar (in the works for next April). See, I do know that we will see each other again.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am so glad that I was able to be a help with their family. Rodney and Brad are wonderful parents to Brady and Cohen. The smiles on their faces are so big and have been amazing to see... to know that I played a part in their joy, in helping them know the blessings of having children of their own is wonderful to me. 

I am so proud of all that I've done: that I was able to give myself a freaking huge daily injection for months on end, that my body was able to handle a bevy of different medications, and then safely carry two babies for 32 weeks and bring them safely into this world. Seriously, I'm pretty much in awe of all of that. 

I really enjoyed the whole process and the past 10 months in particular. I'm not a huge fan of all of the paperwork but I'm so glad it was there for all of us. I loved the time being pregnant with all of its ups and downs, loved most of the reactions from people, and loved being able to tell people that I was a surrogate carrying for another couple. It's been amazing to see the babies with their very different personalities outside of me, and honestly, the best part has been watching Brad and Rodney with their sons. I really have loved this journey.

After all of that has been said, I know there are people who still think the reason this is tough on me is because I "gave up" the children. That isn't the case at all. They never were mine to give up. My children are right where they are supposed to be, upstairs in their beds in my home. Brady and Cohen are right where they are supposed to be, too. I am guessing that right now they are meeting their dogs and cats and getting a tour of their home before being put to sleep in their new cribs. This is how its supposed to be. 

Even though this is how its supposed to be, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to miss them. I'm going to miss their friendship and company. I'm going to miss snuggles with the tiny boys. I'm going to miss seeing them every couple of days. I'm going to miss seeing them play with my girls. It's their friendship I'm going to miss. 

So, all of that said, this really is the final page to this journey. I'm still pumping milk for the boys (oops, I forgot to ship it tonight! I guess it will have to go tomorrow.) Tomorrow is my last official OB appointment of this pregnancy and I am sure everything will be fine. This chapter of my surrogacy journey will end and other chapters will begin. 

My advocating for surrogacy legislation is still in full swing (I am going to the Minnesota Capitol tomorrow to talk with a couple of Representatives), and in a year or so, I may be talking with the Agency about another surrogacy journey. We will see!

I'm so excited for their family and all of their new adventures they are going to have. I feel so blessed to have been a part of a miracle or two.