The first is that Shawn and I were able to visit Brad, Rodney, Brady, and Cohen. Shawn had a convention not too far from their home. We decided to drive to the convention so we stopped to see them before and after the GeekFest.
I was so happy to see the four of them! I pretty much walked in to their house and announced that I needed a baby to hold! Many thanks to PawPaw for handing over Cohen to me.
We all went out for dinner and while there, Brady needed some snuggles, too.
After dinner, Shawn and I went on our way to the convention. A few days later, we were on our way back to their house for more of a visit. It was nice to spend some time with them and catch up on life since we last saw them.
Of course, baby snuggles were had by all! The boys have grown so much, even since I last saw them a month ago!
It was fun to catch up with Brad and Rodney, too. It is so much fun to see them in their new roles as parents an hear how their lives have changed. It's nice to chat with them and see what's going on in their lives.
After spending two days with their family, Shawn and I had to go home. I could have stayed much longer, but Shawn reminded me that we had a 12 hour car ride ahead of us, so reluctantly we said goodbye (sorry we missed you, Brad. I was tempted to swing over to where you were and say goodbye, but we didn't want to interrupt your meeting.)
After I arrived home, I received an email letting me know that an agency with a very technical and official sounding name recently made a documentary about surrogacy. This "movie" (and I use that term loosely) was going to be premiered in Minneapolis on Wednesday night. Several of my friends who are surrogates and I decided to attend this showing. The kicker about this movie is that it was not presented as a movie in favor of surrogacy. There was also to be a Q & A time after the show with the director and the leader of the group. This I've got to see, right?
As I sat in the theater with four other surrogates and three of our supporters I couldn't believe the garbage presented to me on the big screen. The four women the documentary interviewed all had issues come up with their surrogate journeys and because of these issues they are now trying to say that surrogacy is bad and shouldn't be allowed.
My first issue with the surrogates is that none of them had a contract in place. Well, duh! Yeah, there might be issues with the outcome if there weren't clear understandings and guidelines in place for all of you!
The second issue is that none of the people had any paych testing, medical evaluation, or checks of any kind before becoming a surrogate. (Oh, and by the way, one of the women carried donor eggs for herself to raise, so technically, she's not a surrogate. She was the mother with fertility issues and donated eggs.)
Two of the surrogates were traditional surrogates (meaning they used their own egg, not a donor or the mother's egg) and then once the babies were born, changed their minds and refused to give the babies up. Long custody battle ensues, both judges find for the surrogate as their children's mother and grants them custody arrangements. Crappy surrogacy outcome for everyone.
One lady carried several times. On her third journey, the baby was discovered to have genetic abnormalities and the parents wanted nothing to do with the child. Technically and legally, the surrogate could have been held liable and with another baby on her hands since she was carrying without a contract. Things kind of worked out where the parents did take the child, but the surrogate was an emotional mess.
As I said, these people all just went into surrogacy haphazardly, without safeguards in place like medical or psychological testing, a contract, etc. Yes, there will be cases of surrogacy gone wrong and without these things in place, they turn out horrible for everyone.
One big thing that bugged me is that during the whole movie and during the Q & A, the panel kept saying that surrogacy is wrong because no one is thinking about the children. Basically, it's doing harm by intent. "What will happen to the children as they grow up and have to come to terms with the fact that they aren't being raised by their genetic parent?" and "it causes major confusion and problems when babies aren't able to bond with their birth mother." They kept referring to the "commodification" of babies through the buying and selling of lives as they referred to surrogates as "industrial human farms." (Not even kidding.)
Honestly, part of this is correct. When we started this whole process, I wasn't thinking specifically of Brady and Cohen. How could I? When I signed up to be Brad and Rodney's surrogate, I wanted them to be able to experience the joy of having a child, but honestly, that was still a wish, hope, and a dream for all of us. If I had known all that we have been through this passed year, I would have done it the same way again (well, with a couple of minor tweeks!). The wonderful little people who get to call Brad and Rodney "daddy" are worth everything. The critics are right, we don't really focus on the baby during surrogacy. I was more focused on the family surrogacy would be creating, rather than just the baby. The process to get us to the baby can be a long and sometimes arduous road. What the critics are completely wrong about is that surrogacy is anything but harm by intent. The intent from the start has been for good and wonderful, not harm. I can honestly say that no one was harmed in the surrogacy process of Brady and Cohen.
As for their other strongly worded argument of how to explain their birth story or the issue of not having their genetic or birth mother in their lives, couldn't the same be said about adoption and adoptive kids? No one is having a fit about adoption and the lack of "maternal bonding at birth." Many of the adopted children have no way of finding out who their birth mother is. I'm one of the very lucky surrogates in that Brad and Rodney have both invited me to be a part of the boys' life. Even though there is distance separating us, I still get to see pictures of the boys and they've allowed me and invited me to visit when I would like. I very much understand that this is not what happens in many surrogacy cases. After birth or court, many surrogates get a "thanks for the baby" thump on the shoulder and the parents take the baby home, never to be heard from again.
As for the maternal bonding, I guess that's where I have a personal issue. We've all heard women say that they fell in love with their baby as soon as they saw them. For me, that really hasn't been the case. When I first gave birth to my girls, I loved them because they were special tiny humans that my husband and I created, but I didn't have that "falling in love" feeling I was told every mother gets. I honestly thought something was wrong with me until I talked with some other mothers and heard them say the same thing.
When I first saw Brady after he was born, I was in awe and amazed at his perfect little being. I was so proud that I was able to help make his who he was. I remember thinking "I did that! I had a baby for them!" But, like my girls, I wasn't in love with Brady.
I know babies need to be held, to be touched, especially right after they are born. I don't really think it matters if it is their "mother" who is doing the holding or if it is another person who loves them who gets to hold them. As long as they can feel the love, support, warmth, and care of the individual that's all that matters. I do like to think that when I'm with Brady and Cohen that they know who I am, they recognize me. But, I also know that they recognize their parents, grandparents, cousins, and some special friends in their lives. Isn't it wonderful so many people are in their lives!
Knowing Brad and Rodney and a few other IP's, many children birthed from a surrogate are told honestly about the circumstances surrounding their birth. Yes, there may be questions, but that's how kids learn. They get information they need in chunks they can process according to their age and maturity level. It's called parenting. Dealing with tough questions is all a part of the package! If the parents chose not to be open and honest about the circumstances about the child's birth, well, that seems to be a whole other topic and choice for them to make.
And, apparently, I have gone off on yet another surrogacy related tangent. I guess to summarize, how about if I just say "please don't see "Breeders" or anything else by Jennifer Lahl. She's done a couple of other documentaries about egg donation and sperm donation. I can't think of one reason to support her, her agency, or the piece of theatrical garbage she produced. Let's keep our focus on the good things going well. After all, I support small miracles!
Brady and Cohen, four months old.
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