Possibly a New Family?

We are really moving fast here! No objections from me! The Agency sent me the profile of another couple looking for a surrogate. About four minutes after getting the email I was replying back with a "hook me up!" They sound like the kind of people I want to help have a family.

If you have been following my story you know that in the next week or so I will have an in depth conference call with them and the Agency. After the call, both the couple and I will get back to the agency with a decision of wether or not we want to work together. Should all parties say yes, then we have a contract drawn up and go from there. Good fun, right?

Still waiting on a miracle.

Moving On

I received an email today from M & A. They have decided not to pursue another transfer. This failed cycle really shook them up a lot. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

What this means for me is that I notified the agency that I would like to be matched with another couple. Back to not-quite square one but pretty close. I don't think I have to fill out the application again, but I'll have to go through the "we found someone who you might like and agree with" stage, the initial phone call, the 47 page contract... All of that good stuff. All for a miracle.

A Few Good Things

This past weekend I was at a women's retreat with some ladies from my church. On Friday night as part of the introductions we were asked to say the best thing that happened during the week and the worst. I happened to be last one to talk.

I said that the best thing from the week was the amazing love and support my friends, coworkers, and husband are to me, and the worst was a miscarriage where I needed my friends, coworkers, and husband to support me.

Later, people would ask about the miscarriage and I was able to tell them that I'm a surrogate for another couple. I was amazed at the number of women who sought me out to take about infertility, surrogacy, and everything in between. Wow, have a lot of women been affected by infertility! I heard stories about years of testing, medications, injections and failures just to find out there was no explanation for their infertility. I talked with one woman who is five months pregnant after going through three years of fertility treatments. I talked with women who chose to adopt due to unexplained infertility. I was amazed...

I have always believed that bad things happen for a reason. Maybe this has happened to me so I can be a support or even an example to others... Maybe we might see a miracle out of all of this.

Getting Back to Normal

People have been asking me how I'm doing since everything happened on Monday. I'll try to summarize what's going on with me, both physically and emotionally.

Physically, I am doing okay. The cramping has stopped, which is good. I am still bleeding but not concerned about that. Hey, my body has been through a lot. I am still dealing with some nail problems that developed while I was on the Lupron, but at least they are no longer infected. The last symptom that I am experiencing is a lot of lower back pain. Unfortunately, I work with young children so I am bending over or kneeling a lot, which is definitely aggravating my back. Its not something that is limiting me in any way, just makes me want to crash on the couch as soon as I get home to give my back a break. I am going away for the weekend and hope to take it easy to give my back some time off from lifting small children or a lot of bending.

Emotionally, I feel like I have been on a roller coaster. I did go off all of the synthetic hormones and my body has been trying to regulate itself. I can cry at the drop of a hat, which is totally unlike me, but I think I have finally started to level off. I definitely have disappointment in the fact that everything I have been through for the past many months could all be wasted should M & A not want to continue. I know that they have a lot going on that I am not at liberty to share here. I want to go forward and give it another go on having M & A's baby, but I have to leave it with them to make the decision.

Its been a crazy week for me emotionally with receiving so much support from my friends/coworkers and even my students' parents. Shawn has been amazing as well, being there as a shoulder to cry on, for a good back rub, to give me a hug, or to just hold my hand. There has been silence from a few key people in my life and that has been disappointing, but at least I know who is supporting me in all of this and who I can turn to when I need support.

Anyway, I am hanging in here, just waiting to hear back from the agency on what M & A want to do. If they chose not to continue, then I will be back in the pool to try to find another family I can help. I still believe in miracles.

We Have a Result...

And that result would be negative. I am not pregnant. My HCG dropped to a 2.

M & A are crushed, naturally. I haven't spoken with them, I want to give them time to process, but my heart is just breaking for them. I know how much they have invested in this process and to think that six months of our lives have been revolving around this process. It's a lot to have gone with one phone call.

According to PC, M & A aren't sure they want to go forward from here. PC will give them some time and then contact them to find out what they want to do. I told PC that if M & A want to go forward that I would definitely want to be a part of their journey if they would like to continue with me.

I have been instructed to stop all medications, so I'm officially done with extra hormones for the time being. I'm still cramping a lot, but that's been happening since last Thursday. And yes, I'm still bleeding, although not nearly as heavy as a couple days ago.

Emotionally, I'm feeling heavy, mostly with disappointment for M & A. I guess I hadn't realized how emotionally attached I was to M & A and their pending miracle. I, of course, am disappointed. I know that I did everything possible to give us the best situation possible, so I'm not feeling guilt (that I've been told often accompanies surrogates who are in this situation), but there is still a small part of me wondering what else could have helped us have a different outcome. I guess there are some questions that just don't have answers.

My thoughts and prayers are with M & A as they make tough decisions. We all need a miracle to get us through the next couple days.

Results... Kind Of

I had the blood work done today. After 5.5 hours of waiting I finally got a call from PC. The results of the HCG beta test was 10.

Technically, this is a positive pregnancy, however, that is a really low number. This means that I will have it rechecked on Monday, and hopefully, prayerfully, the number is MUCH higher. Like, a number in the hundreds would be a fabulous number and we all would breathe easier. We will see what happens on Monday and I won't jump to conclusions until then.

Until then I'll just keep praying for a miracle...

Seeing Red...

Yesterday I started spotting. *sigh* Today, my body moved from spotting to a light flow. *big sigh*

I called my PC to let her know and asked if this is something I should contact M & A about. She asked me a bunch of questions (what color, when did it start, how much/heavy, etc) and then said its probably nothing to be concerned about. I will still go in for my lab appointment tomorrow and we will go from there.

She also said that she would contact M & A and let them know I'm experiencing some bleeding but we will wait and see what tomorrow brings and that we shouldn't worry too much. (Right)

She also asked me if I wanted to contact them and talk with them myself. I said that this is one call I do not want to make, the potential for disappointment is huge right now and I don't want to be the one to let them down. Yup, I'm a bit of a coward right now. I think I'm entitled to that, given the circumstances.

Anyway, I'm here and okay and still praying for a miracle.

Feeling Better

Just a quick update on my health. I'm feeling perfectly fine. Good news/bad news, right? My tummy issues seemed to have cleared up altogether. I'm back to enjoying food again and my digestive issues are a thing of the past.

I'm still praying for a miracle!

Surrogate Humor

I just experienced my first bit of surrogate humor. I knew this situation could make for interesting situations and hopefully some funny moments. Let me share...

My family and I are at a Super Bowl party (I'm here for the friends, food, and commercials! I'm not a big football fan). I had posted on the evite that I was going to bring buffalo chicken dip "or whatever I can stomach at the time." One of our friends we haven't seen in a while saw the post yesterday and asked his wife if I was pregnant. Wife didn't know.

After we were at the party a while wife and I were chatting and she asked if I was expecting and I said "maybe" and explained about the surrogacy.

A little while later I saw Shawn chatting with husband and I let Shawn know that husband had been asking if I was pregnant. I asked Shawn if he's let husband in on our news. Shawn then looks at husband and says "Shawnee may be pregnant!" Husband puts his hand out and says congratulations! Shawn doesn't shake his hand and then says "it's not mine." Husband pulls his hand back and looks at me. Shawn quickly says "it's not hers either." Hilarity ensues!

All of our friend who are in the know start laughing and seeing how far Shawn will take this. Shawn then said "last weekend Shawnee and I went to Toronto and I watched her get pregnant. Oh, and did I mention that the baby is a Latin baby?"

Husband had a very funny, very confused look on his face. Shawn finally let him in on our situation and we all enjoyed a good laugh!

A laugh with a miracle is a great thing!

Tummy Troubles

I've been saying for the past day and a half that I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant! As it hasn't let up and it's been well over 24 hours, I'm starting to rule out food poisoning.

Kind of strange that I can pin point when this all started. I know that the transfer happened at 10:15am on Sunday, January 27th. At 4:05 pm on Thursday, January 31st I instantly became nauseated. It hasn't gone away since then, just increased and decreased in severity.

I remember having mild queasiness with my girls, really not liking raw meat and some other strong scents, and I know I only got sick a few times with each. I remember not wanting to eat much but eating because I had to. We do what we have to, right?

I'm just resting a lot, eating what I can, drinking as much as I am able, and just taking care of myself. That's about all I really can do, right?

Just a few more days to see if a little miracle is causing all of this fun...