Another Ending

5 months, 10 days. 1,304 sessions. 11,340 ounces. 652 hours/27+ days.*

Why all the math? You know how much I love math (yeah, right).

There's a very good reason for the math. Here it is: I've officially finished pumping.

Big news, right? I know! 

First, the technical part: Over the past 5 1/2 months, I've pumped every 3-4 hours around the clock. This equals to roughly 1,304 pumping sessions. Each pumping session lasts between 30-60 minutes (some days I would have a huge supply, hence the need for a longer session.) This means I was hooked up to that machine 652 hours, or just a bit over 27 days.

I've sent something like 1,100 bags with 8oz of milk to Brady and Cohen, and countless bottles delivered to the hospital. Figuring out the average of 70oz a day I was pumping at the start and pretty much maintained, that equals 11,340 oz of milk produced. That's over 88 1/2 gallons! No wonder the boys are looking so healthy! 

Don't they look great? Milk, it does a couple of bodies good! 

I am pretty daunted and amazed by all of these facts. It is a bit fascinating when you can see the numbers and not just a small bottle of liquid. Go me!

Like I said before, I was getting 70ish ounces a day on average through most of the past months. Some days and sessions, I could get 20 ounces per session. For some reason, these past couple of weeks my body has significantly decreased the amount it was producing. And just this last week, I have dropped production even more. 

This pic is the amount I was able to produce all day on Wednesday. 3 whopping ounces. Woo hoo. 

Aside from all of the above mentioned stats, I'm having a bit of a hard time letting this go. Not that it won't be wonderful not having to plan my life around when I will need to pump to avoid leaking or even just being really uncomfortable. And it will be nice not taking supplements every day or even drinking multiple cups of Mother's Milk tea (although I have really started to enjoy teas!). And, frankly, the physical discomfort will NOT be missed. No matter what creams, lanolins, or pads/cups I used, there was always a bit of discomfort to some degree for some reason. And I'm not even talking about engorgement here, either! All of that will not be missed at all. 

No, my difficulty letting go is nothing I can actually touch. What's going on is all mental, and I totally realize this. I kind of feel like with me stopping the pumping and supplying milk for Brady and Cohen, I am finally done with my surrogate duties. The very last physical part of this journey is done for me. It really is hard to explain, but I just know that I feel like I'm going through another separation from Brady and Cohen and even Brad and Rodney again. 

Honestly, the first time I said goodbye to Brad, Rodney, Brady, and Cohen, I know I had major hormones running through me as I sobbed my way home. I wasn't sad, upset, whatever because I wasn't keeping the babies. It was more about saying goodbye to my friends and being done with my surrogacy journey.

Since they went home back in May, I have visited them several times and haven't had major emotions upon leaving. Its wonderful seeing all of them and just to have the reassurance that they are well and I really did help with the making of their family.

This time, this really is the last "thing" I have. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am still friends with their family. I still chat with them quite often. We share texts back and forth. I am contemplating taking the girls on a road trip to visit them next month. I know that just because I am done pumping doesn't mean the end of all communication or contact. 

Even though I know all of this, it doesn't mean its any easier for me right now. I know I'll be okay once I come to grips with this new situation. But, I think its perfectly okay for me to spend time processing all of this. Life is full of goodbyes and changes and this is just one of them. Okay, so not everyone deals with this particular situation, but for those of us lucky enough to be called "surrogate" this is a bit of our reality. 

So, for this chapter of my life, and for this surrogacy journey, I am wrapping things up. Sometime in the upcoming days, I will send the last frozen package to the guys. I will begin putting things on the shelves in my freezers that have been dedicated to milk, and I will pack away the pump and its parts until I need to use them again. 

What? Did I not mention that part? No, I am not pregnant, nor am I planning any additions to our family. I would love to be a part of another surrogate journey in the future. I know that it is not advised that I attempt another pregnancy before the one year mark of my c-section. However, having been through the whole matching/screening/contract thing, I know there is a lot of prep work before we can even attempt the whole pregnancy thing. 

So, stay tuned for another possible journey and another miracle! 

Brady and Cohen, one year after the embryo transfer and the start of this amazing journey!


*All numbers in this post are approximates, since I didn't actually keep track of ounces per day, bags shipped, number of pumping sessions, etc. Hey, I'm just not that anal or have that kind of time! 

A Weekend Visit and a Horrible Documentary

I know its been a while since I last wrote. Several significant things have happened since. 

The first is that Shawn and I were able to visit Brad, Rodney, Brady, and Cohen. Shawn had a convention not too far from their home. We decided to drive to the convention so we stopped to see them before and after the GeekFest. 

I was so happy to see the four of them! I pretty much walked in to their house and announced that I needed a baby to hold! Many thanks to PawPaw for handing over Cohen to me. 

We all went out for dinner and while there, Brady needed some snuggles, too. 

After dinner, Shawn and I went on our way to the convention. A few days later, we were on our way back to their house for more of a visit. It was nice to spend some time with them and catch up on life since we last saw them. 

Of course, baby snuggles were had by all! The boys have grown so much, even since I last saw them a month ago! 

It was fun to catch up with Brad and Rodney, too. It is so much fun to see them in their new roles as parents an hear how their lives have changed. It's nice to chat with them and see what's going on in their lives.

After spending two days with their family, Shawn and I had to go home. I could have stayed much longer, but Shawn reminded me that we had a 12 hour car ride ahead of us, so reluctantly we said goodbye (sorry we missed you, Brad. I was tempted to swing over  to where you were and say goodbye, but we didn't want to interrupt your meeting.) 

After I arrived home, I received an email letting me know that an agency with a very technical and official sounding name recently made a documentary about surrogacy. This "movie" (and I use that term loosely) was going to be premiered in Minneapolis on Wednesday night. Several of my friends who are surrogates and I decided to attend this showing. The kicker about this movie is that it was not presented as a movie in favor of surrogacy. There was also to be a Q & A time after the show with the director and the leader of the group. This I've got to see, right?

As I sat in the theater with four other surrogates and three of our supporters I couldn't believe the garbage presented to me on the big screen. The four women the documentary interviewed all had issues come up with their surrogate journeys and because of these issues they are now trying to say that surrogacy is bad and shouldn't be allowed.

My first issue with the surrogates is that none of them had a contract in place. Well, duh! Yeah, there might be issues with the outcome if there weren't clear understandings and guidelines in place for all of you! 

The second issue is that none of the people had any paych testing, medical evaluation, or checks of any kind before becoming a surrogate. (Oh, and by the way, one of the women carried donor eggs for herself to raise, so technically, she's not a surrogate. She was the mother with fertility issues and donated eggs.)

Two of the surrogates were traditional surrogates (meaning they used their own egg, not a donor or the mother's egg) and then once the babies were born, changed their minds and refused to give the babies up. Long custody battle ensues, both judges find for the surrogate as their children's mother and grants them custody arrangements. Crappy surrogacy outcome for everyone.

One lady carried several times. On her third journey, the baby was discovered to have genetic abnormalities and the parents wanted nothing to do with the child. Technically and legally, the surrogate could have been held liable and with another baby on her hands since she was carrying without a contract. Things kind of worked out where the parents did take the child, but the surrogate was an emotional mess.

As I said, these people all just went into surrogacy haphazardly, without safeguards in place like medical or psychological testing, a contract, etc.  Yes, there will be cases of surrogacy gone wrong and without these things in place, they turn out horrible for everyone.

One big thing that bugged me is that during the whole movie and during the Q & A, the panel kept saying that surrogacy is wrong because no one is thinking about the children. Basically, it's doing harm by intent. "What will happen to the children as they grow up and have to come to terms with the fact that they aren't being raised by their genetic parent?" and "it causes major confusion and problems when babies aren't able to bond with their birth mother." They kept referring to the "commodification" of babies through the buying and selling of lives as they referred to surrogates as "industrial human farms." (Not even kidding.) 

Honestly, part of this is correct. When we started this whole process, I wasn't thinking specifically of Brady and Cohen. How could I? When I signed up to be Brad and Rodney's surrogate, I wanted them to be able to experience the joy of having a child, but honestly, that was still a wish, hope, and a dream for all of us. If I had known all that we have been through this passed year, I would have done it the same way again (well, with a couple of minor tweeks!). The wonderful little people who get to call Brad and Rodney "daddy" are worth everything. The critics are right, we don't really focus on the baby during surrogacy. I was more focused on the family surrogacy would be creating, rather than just the baby. The process to get us to the baby can be a long and sometimes arduous road.  What the critics are completely wrong about is that surrogacy is anything but harm by intent. The intent from the start has been for good and wonderful, not harm. I can honestly say that no one was harmed in the surrogacy process of Brady and Cohen.

As for their other strongly worded argument of how to explain their birth story or the issue of not having their genetic or birth mother in their lives, couldn't the same be said about adoption and adoptive kids? No one is having a fit about adoption and the lack of "maternal bonding at birth." Many of the adopted children have no way of finding out who their birth mother is. I'm one of the very lucky surrogates in that Brad and Rodney have both invited me to be a part of the boys' life. Even though there is distance separating us, I still get to see pictures of the boys and they've allowed me and invited me to visit when I would like. I very much understand that this is not what happens in many surrogacy cases. After birth or court, many surrogates get a "thanks for the baby" thump on the shoulder and the parents take the baby home, never to be heard from again.

As for the maternal bonding, I guess that's where I have a personal issue. We've all heard women say that they fell in love with their baby as soon as they saw them. For me, that really hasn't been the case. When I first gave birth to my girls, I loved them because they were special tiny humans that my husband and I created, but I didn't have that "falling in love" feeling I was told every mother gets. I honestly thought something was wrong with me until I talked with some other mothers and heard them say the same thing. 

When I first saw Brady after he was born, I was in awe and amazed at his perfect little being. I was so proud that I was able to help make his who he was. I remember thinking "I did that! I had a baby for them!" But, like my girls, I wasn't in love with Brady. 

I know babies need to be held, to be touched, especially right after they are born. I don't really think it matters if it is their "mother" who is doing the holding or if it is another person who loves them who gets to hold them. As long as they can feel the love, support, warmth, and care of the individual that's all that matters. I do like to think that when I'm with Brady and Cohen that they know who I am, they recognize me. But, I also know that they recognize their parents, grandparents, cousins, and some special friends in their lives. Isn't it wonderful so many people are in their lives!

Knowing Brad and Rodney and a few other IP's, many children birthed from a surrogate are told honestly about the circumstances surrounding their birth. Yes, there may be questions, but that's how kids learn. They get information they need in chunks they can process according to their age and maturity level. It's called parenting. Dealing with tough questions is all a part of the package! If the parents chose not to be open and honest about the circumstances about the child's birth, well, that seems to be a whole other topic and choice for them to make.

And, apparently, I have gone off on yet another surrogacy related tangent. I guess to summarize, how about if I just say "please don't see "Breeders" or anything else by Jennifer Lahl. She's done a couple of other documentaries about egg donation and sperm donation. I can't think of one reason to support her, her agency, or the piece of theatrical garbage she produced. Let's keep our focus on the good things going well. After all, I support small miracles! 

Brady and Cohen, four months old.

A Wonderful Visit

Finally! Friday night I hopped a flight for a visit with the babies and their daddies.

Now that's more like it! 

Brady and Cohen are doing great! They've changed so much and gotten so much bigger since I saw them last. They've filled out and are much stronger, as they should be. They've been a lot of fun to snuggle and play with during my visit.

Of course, I'm also checking in with Brad and Rodney. Not having had twins of my own, I'm curious to see how they are adjusting to their new life. (Checking in, not checking on.)

From all appearances, they are doing great as well. Slightly more sleep deprived than a parent of a single newborn, but handling it very well. Isn't it nice to know that this is just for a short time and not how they have to adjust to life forever? :-)

It's been fun catching up with them and hearing about life with the boys. Of course big changes have happened in their lives in the past three months, but these changes have been good. They are doing a great job of keeping the boys on a schedule (of which I've been told is a must when you have twins ) and the boys are thriving so nicely in their loving care. 

I noticed right away that Rodney's accent is back. It's no longer slightly tinted with Minnesota. Brad, on the other hand... I'm amused to note that after hanging around me for just a day or so, some of the speech patterns he picked up while in Minnesota are back! Or maybe they never left. Hmm. :-)

Brady is still a busy boy. He likes to be moving or have action around him. He's very inquisitive and is always looking around. He makes you work for a big smile, but once you get one it lights up his whole face! 

Cohen is such a little snuggler! He is still a mild mannered little guy. He gives great smiles and giggles that go all the way to his toes! He's giving the guys a run for their money when it comes to bed time. Good thing there are willing arms to snuggle with him so he can sleep. 

The boys really loved to be held, which is great with so many loving grandparents wanting to be involved and help! There is no shortage of caring arms to snuggle them! I was able to visit with several of the grandparents on my trip. It was nice to see them as well.

I've never met a baby who likes to play on the floor as much as Brady and Cohen. They were on their play mat for a long time on both their tummies and backs and just having so much fun!

I told the guys that I don't know how they get anything done with the boys at home. They are such snugly, cuddly babies who curl up so nicely in your arms or on your chest. It would be hard to put them down! They are a real joy to be around.

That pretty much wraps up my trip to see them. Lots of chatting, lots of snuggles, lots of fun was had on my long weekend. Shawn and I are planning a visit late next month on our way to a conference for Shawn, so until then I'll enjoy pics of these amazing miracles! 

Hanging out on their play mat. They were amused by the strange person above the mat snapping pics! 

Chillaxing with Cohen.

Classic Brady with his tongue going!

Brady is ready to go!

Cohen ready for the restaurant.

What's In A Name?

"Pumping" "Expressing" "Collecting Milk" All of these are proper terms for using a breast pump. 

"Doin' what you need to do" is how my coworkers phrase it. (Or they just avoid the topic all together.)

"Go pump," "spend some quality time with a machine," "take a 20 minute break" are all phrases I've used at work. 

My daughters, however, are a different story. Annalies is pretty blunt with her "do you hurt, mommy? You need to pump?" Natalie has no filter and will ask anywhere  "is it time for you to pump the milk out?"

My friends are so all over the place! "Squeeze titties/boobies" or "drain the girls" are the current favorites.

So, what I've decided is that I need to name my pump. I'm currently pumping 6-7 times a day for anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 minutes. Averaging things out, that's about three hours a day I'm hooked up to this machine. The silly thing deserves a name.

The machine itself is black with butter yellow machine parts. It's boring looking, makes a rhythmic "hee-oo hee-oo" sound, and has a couple of silver zippers.

Once the machine has a name, then I can "go spend some time with (insert name here)," or "visit/talk with (insert name here.)" Maybe naming it would make life easier/less taboo for my coworkers, too. 

But, what to name it? Hmm... I happen to think Sean Connery and George Clooney are very good looking men. However, I can't call my machine either of those names. I'm married to Shawn and that could just get weird. As for George, is that even an option? Other that Mr Clooney, oh, and the ever popular Mr George Lucas (of whom my husband happens to bear resemblance) I don't really associate George with a heartthrob kind of name. (No offense to any reader named George... I am sure there are some good looking men out there named George. I just don't know them.) That being said, I'm taking suggestions for names!

Speaking of names, it was three months ago that we were introduced to two little guys named Brady and Cohen! Happy three months, little guys! Can you believe it's been three months already? Just another part of miracles! 

Milk, It Does a Body (or Two) Good!

This week Rodney informed me that their milk supply was getting low, so he made arrangements for me to send some more milk. I was able to send three boxes filled with bags of frozen milk. I think I was able to send somewhere around 80 bags in these boxes, so that should last the boys a few days.

Look at those little guys! They have filled out so much and are just as adorable as can be! Obviously, the milk is doing its job well and they are thriving on it. I've been told that Brady is 10 lbs 7 oz and Cohen is 9 lbs 12 oz. Way to grow, little guys!

I really can't believe that I haven't been down to visit them yet, but I am working on resolving this. I have a little secret... I have flight privileges for non-urgent flights. If I HAVE to be somewhere, I purchase a real ticket. If I am not on a set schedule and have some flexibility I can fly standby. That being said, I am looking into visiting the boys really soon. I need a Brady and Cohen fix!

Little miracles make me smile!

"Oh, you HAD a c-section."

Women, and particularly mothers, this post is for and to you.

I love telling people that I had twins for another family. I love saying that I was a surrogate. I loved the whole process from embryos transferred to the birth of the babies. 

Yes, there were a couple of things that at the time were not fun. Contractions every 2 minutes while in the car at 3 a.m. was not my favorite part. The epidural not having time to work and giving birth to Brady naturally was not in my "birth plan" (ha! Like I even had a birth plan!) Enduring my doctor pushing on my stomach for 45 minutes and still ending up with a c-section for Cohen was definitely not something I had even considered.

All of that said, the ultimate end goal of all pregnancies is a healthy baby, right? 

I think people, and other women who have given birth particularly, tend to forget that goal: healthy baby. For some reason, women get hung up on the whole c-section thing. I don't know why some people think they are more or less of a woman because of how they gave birth. 

This week, as people at my workplace have been learning more about Brady and Cohen, I have heard that obnoxious phrase "oh, you had a c-section." It's always said with that tone. You know, the one that implies you are less of a woman or not strong enough or I don't know what else all because you had a c-section. 

The way I look at it is that the ultimate goal of any child birth is that of a healthy baby, healthy mom/surrogate. Period. Is a c-section the easiest way for a baby to enter the world? No, it's usually easier to have a vaginal delivery. I think there are very few women who actually would chose major abdominal surgery over a natural birth experience. But it happens. 

I'm thankful that we have the option of c-section for when things don't go as expected or planned. I am so thankful for my doctor who had the knowledge to know when it was time do the surgery. Cohen's existence is proof of her skill as a physician.

So, as people patronizingly say to me "oh, you had a c-section," I just calmly smile and respond with "yes, thankfully I had a c-section with Cohen. What a blessing to be able to deliver another healthy baby!" After all, because of that surgery, there are two healthy miracles!

Supplements, and Teas, and Capsules-Oh My!

I received a box in the mail yesterday. Remember how much I love getting packages in the mail? It's like Christmas, baby! Even though I was the one who ordered the items in the box, it's still the excitement of actually receiving the box that makes me happy. 

My girls crowded around as I opened the box. "What did mommy get? Toys? Clothes? A new purse?" Nope! I received a box filled with Mother's Milk Tea, fenugreek seed capsules, and blessed thistle capsules. Were they as excited as I was? No, not at all. They had fun smelling the items (fenugreek=good, blessed thistle=nasty!)

My breakfast teas of cold chai and hot mother's milk to wash down my crazy pills. Prenatal vitamin (as long as I'm pumping I'm supposed to take it), Zyrtec, BCP, my first of three daily doses of two blessed thistle caps, and my first of four daily doses of three fenugreek caps.

I feel like the supplements and tea have helped my body get to the production level it currently is producing (right around  60oz a day). I definitely don't think they've lived up to the hype of "doubling" a women's supply. If I had a low supply, I think I would have stopped pumping when Brady and Cohen moved back home. According to Rodney, I'm pretty much on track with where the boys are right now, maybe a bit ahead. 

I've had a pretty cool development in the past couple days. An acquaintance from years past contacted me to learn more about surrogacy. As this is a favorite subject of mine, of course I'm willing to talk with them! Also, another friend is just starting to explore the infertility route and all there is to offer medically. She's been asking me a bunch of questions regarding surrogacy as well. 

I'm so glad I'm able to help others out, not just Brad and Rodney with a healthy twin pregnancy and their two boys, but the acquaintance by sharing my story and my friend to walk through infertility treatments along side of her. I love being able to help others any way I can, so if I'm carrying a baby, being a support to another, or informing people of an option, I count it all as a good thing. It is all just to be a part of someone's miracle.